September 20, 2006

answers given to questions never asked

“Wake up! If you knew for certain you had a terminal illness--if you had little time left to live--you would waste precious little of it! Well, I'm telling do have a terminal illness: It's called birth. You don't have more than a few years left. No one does! So be happy now, without reason--or you will never be at all.”
- Dan Millman

“When we feel stuck, going nowhere--even starting to slip backward--we may actually be backing up to get a running start.”
- Dan Millman

These all speak volumes for what I am going through right now. From the career turmoil to the train tracks derailing. Instead of of shooting up, I'm going down. My mind is a high way, with a few car accidents that just happened, and now I'm doing my best to clean them up. I wreak of death, stink of it really. But in a strange odd way, this feels right. Putting the nail on "why" or "how-come" doesn't matter right now. I'm pondering "what's next?".

My spirit feels exausted. All the tears, and sleeping. Waking up and being knocked down. Standing tall and proud, then have your knee jerked which results in your fall. I feel like walking breathing dead, but where I'm supoed to be. I'm greiving through my head, not my heart and it feels the most comfortable so I'll stick with what I know. I'm not up for something radical or different right now. Just don't have the drive.

The best place to start is the beginning. So here we go:

The month is September, and it's the second week of that month. Since August I made the decision to Coach/Volunteer at Choices. With this being the strangest time in my life, It felt necessary and right. Although it's the second weekend into school, I couldn't help but follow my heats desire and my passion. After just finishing Teen Camp where I also Coached, continuing to figure out more of myself needed to happen. A simple answer for coaching would be (and this is what I said there),

I quickly realized recently that I seem to ask the right questions at the right time of myself when I'm in a place of balance and happiness (whatever happiness is), and one of the best ways I know how to get to that point is by seriously helping people. Giving is truly receiving. With that, I couldn't think of a better place to give then Choices, in order to answer my own questions on "what's next".

And it's true. When I reach a certain high of excellence, I think positively and productively. I opened the door for this elderly woman, and I felt great after because it brought up everything I am grateful for (like being raised by an elder). Coaching Choices is never the same, ever. Each group is different, and each time you Coach it's different. I'm not sure what questions I wanted to ask, but whatever came up was what needed to be ask.

Now as the week went by, it refreshed my 'tool box' from Choices. I understood better what my contract means to me. That 'hurting people hurt people'. The power of apology. The strength in forgiveness. The respect in openness. Love is spoken in many different languages. And that love isn't about supporting people, it's about doing the things that need to be done.

Coaching also opened up a few new thoughts too. That children naturally build up walls against things when they are hurt. When they get scars on their heart. With that, I jumped up to the fact the high school system is a big part of those walls created. It just reinforced my belief in an alternative to education, and my 'anti-schoolism'. It was also inspiring to hear from a young woman this: (going of memory here)

The fact is our children are not learning their heritage, their cultural, their identity because our leaders are dying from smoking. Too many of our knowledgeable people die from cigarets that our future generations will miss out on.

And I agree whole heartedly. This even goes beyond smoking. It spreads in to any addiction, including alcoholism. Too any Indigenous Leader: Please stop killing yourself; It's a lose-lose for yourself, and our people.

Being in that Choices room just shows power, in so many different lights. The power of faith, the power of hard work, the power of love. I seen miracles, break through' and awakenings in peoples lives. Marriages saved and families brought back together. It's just inspiring to be apart and in some cases, cause of.

Skip to Saturday: The Coaching team was informed that Susan Bitton, a dear friend has really bad case of breast cancer. It's spreading rapidly and her doctors say on a scale of 1-10 with ten being bad, it's a 9. All I know as of right now they are looking at different options and I don't know what's going to happen. We prayed for her and thanked the creator for the time we have had her in our lives. That same day, it was announced to everyone. Thelma, the founder and facilitator for the program asked some of the indigenous peoples if we would sing a healing song for pray for her. Later in the day, we called everyone on the the floor and sang a song for our friend. I thank kexe7nek siyam for the time spent, and will remember all the amazing times I had with her.

During this same day I received some news of something a bit closer to home. My grandmother, Marie Baker, was in the hospital for a few weeks now. It looked like she was going to go, but things turned around and she started getting better. The doctors said she would probably be able to go home soon. But that day my mother received word that she wasn't going to make it. That people should be contact because she could be going very soon.

In the middle of the fun we decided left to the hospital. (My grandmother Audrey, with my father driving.) We made it to the hospital around 4PM and I went to see my grandmother for the last few times right away. I walked into the room and seen her laying on the bed. By this time she was unconscious but could still hear people. I got a chance to say my final words and talked to her a bit. I told her that I loved her, she is a strong woman, I know she has always loved me and that always will, she's proud of me and that I will continue to make her proud. I made a commitment with her that I will learn our northern kwakwaka'wakw ways and make her more proud. I know she heard me.

Things went on and I sat in the waiting room, went to see her, waiting room. A hour or so later the Shaker Minister came to bless her and say a prayer. He sang a song and listened for what was happening. He told us what is was happening and where she was going.

I waited around and sat with her. I began to sing a northern song for her, then around 9PM more people started showing up and leaving. I was so confused I didn't know what to do. I had a bite to eat, then went to the washroom. When I got out of the washroom I noticed no one was in the waiting room. I knew they were all in my grandmother's room and something was happening. I walked in and my friend told her she opened her eyes and became conscious again. Everyone was standing around and I walked over and gave her a hug. People were in tears and saying they're last words. I went to the other side of her bed, said 'halakasla' and my final words. While this was going on, my mother asked me to sing a song. I clutched the drum and began to sing. About 1/3 of the way through the song, I seen one eye drop come from my grandmother who couldn't move. In a gentle move, in the middle of the song, she left.

I choose to remember my grandmother in many ways. She was a strong woman who did extrodinary things. Struggled through hard times and was still a fighter to the end. Witty toungue with a beautiful heart. Humor as funny as her maniersm. She loved me and I loved her. I will never forget my grandmother, who had given me so much. I say my prayers to her and her new journey.

Life is strange. Kexe7nek siyam works in mysterious ways. If you want to him kexe7nek siyam laugh, say you have a plan. The power of prayer works. And I feel loved. I can feel the prayers for my grandmother, my family and myself. So many "gliches" in the matrix have happend, I know I'm loved by many and the spirit in the sky. But it's just amazing how things work and we don't understand it. There are things at work every day and we don't understand it at all. I don't think it will ever cease to amaze me how kexe7nek siyam does things for me and others. I am grateful and hopeful for everything. Once I can grieve, say my goodbyes and begin to live again, I feel on track, and hopefully then this car accient will be cleaned up and I can start living, period.

“Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is...The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds.”
- Dan Millman


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